Here’s how to help your child make new friends

Does your child struggle with making new friends? Rest assured that you’re certainly not alone in fearing that your child is lonely! A recent study found that one in five parents say that their child has no friends or not enough friends, with 90% of parents reporting that their child would like to make more friends. 

We know that building healthy relationships is important to a child’s overall emotional well-being. By providing guidance, encouragement, and modeling healthy relationships yourself, you can show your child how to build meaningful connections that last — and the clinical team at Bend is here to help you get started. 

Help them to develop and practice their social skills 

It’s okay and completely normal if your child feels awkward or reserved in social situations. Making new friends can be stressful for all of us, so ensure your kiddo that you understand what they’re going through. Like any other skill, you can help them to practice building meaningful connections. Here are some ideas to get you started: 

• Sign your child up for a team sport or group activity that they’re interested in. 
• Get to know other parents and invite their families over for meals or on an outing, allowing the children to get to know each other in a low-pressure environment. 
• Help your child brainstorm playdate activities, like baking cookies, making art projects, or playing board games. 
• Role-play different social situations, like going to a birthday party or asking a friend to play at recess.

If you see them struggling to find someone to play with at the park or notice that they’re having a disagreement with a friend, try to resist immediately stepping in to fix it. We know this one is tough, but it can it’s important to give your child the space to navigate and learn from different social dynamics. We know it’s a delicate balance, but let your child know that you have confidence in their ability to make new friends, while also letting them know that you’ll be right there if they need you. 

Of course, your child needs their independent space to learn and grow, but never stop asking curious questions and staying involved in their social life. It’s a good idea to get to know who your child is spending time with, along with their friends’ parents. You can pose questions like, “What is it like hanging out with _____?” or “What are the qualities that make _____ a good friend for you?” 

If possible, offer to host get-togethers so that you can observe their interactions and create a safe space for kids to gather, especially as they get older. Continue to check in with your child’s teacher, coaches, or any other trusted adult in their lives.

Talk about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships

Open up the conversation with your child about what makes a healthy and an unhealthy relationship so that they can begin to better understand what they personally value in friendships and how they can surround themselves with people who make them feel their best. 

A healthy relationship can be defined as a dynamic in which both people feel emotionally and physically safe, accepted as they are, and respected. Signs of a healthy relationship include honesty, trust, open communication, equality, safety, and ongoing support. 

In unhealthy relationships, one or both people may feel scared, anxious, guilty, ashamed, or unsafe in the dynamic. Some signs of a not-so-great relationship are jealousy, fear, blame, control, abuse, pressure, and unpredictability.

It’s also important to bring up non-negotiable, red-flag behaviors that a child should never tolerate in relationships. This should include any form of physical or emotional abuse, harassment, ignoring of boundaries, or disrespect. Let them know explicitly that they can always come to you for help if they experience any of these things. 

Try offering up age-appropriate examples of experiences you’ve had throughout your life. Did you ever have a friendship as a child that made you feel anxious or insecure? Think about why and share it with your child. Or maybe you had a friendship that made you feel brave and happy — share that one too! 

Then ask your child, “What are the most important things to you in a relationship?” You can give examples like spending time together, sharing toys or snacks, laughter, etc. 

Opening up the conversation about what makes up both positive and negative relationships will build a dialogue with your child so that they know they can talk to you about this topic in the future, especially when things might get a little tricker. Let them know you are a safe space and that you’ll always be there to support them, no matter what.

Encourage empathy 

Empathy, or the ability to imagine what it’s like to walk in another person’s shoes, is a key ingredient when it comes to building meaningful relationships. Elementary school-age kids are capable of empathy, but typically need some guidance. 

You can help your child focus on empathy by asking them to take note when someone around them is experiencing a big feeling, such as sadness or frustration. Are they able to put themselves in their shoes to better understand what they’re going through? Have they ever felt a similar feeling? 

Try asking how they would like to be treated during those instances and remind them that their actions can affect other people. For instance, if they take a toy from a friend without asking, it can hurt them. How would they feel if someone did that to them? How can they do it differently next time? Remind them that everyone has their own feelings and gets to make their own decisions, and don’t forget to give them positive feedback when you see them practicing empathy.

Model positive connections and communication

A great way to teach your kid about meaningful relationships is by modeling affection, acts of kindness, and gratitude. Try out a few behaviors in front of your child:

• Say “I love you” and show affection to a member of your family or a friend
• Surprise your child with their favorite meal 
• Leave a kind note in their lunchbox or on their bathroom mirror
• Tell your child a specific thing that you appreciate about them 
• Make a gratitude list together and include the people you care about most 
• Let them see you resolve conflict in a constructive way and talk about it afterward

Show your child healthy communication by being an active, engaged listener when they are speaking to you. You can even repeat back to them what they said so that they know you’re fully present and they’ve been heard.

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Big feelings are inevitable, so when your child seems upset, help them to come up with “I” statements to describe and take ownership of their feelings. You can use this example: “I feel ___ when ___.” For younger kids, you may ask them to draw out how they’re feeling, reassuring them that there are no wrong or bad feelings.

Encouraging your child to find and use their authentic voice to describe what they’re experiencing will teach them to take ownership of their feelings. And if you lose your cool from time to time, use it as a learning opportunity to show that you are human and that sometimes emotions are difficult to navigate — even for adults!

Helping your child build beneficial relationships can seem like an overwhelming job, but try to keep it as simple for yourself as possible. Ask questions, actively listen, and trust your instinct if something ever seems off. While you can’t always protect your child from hard things like loneliness or rejection, you can continue showing up for them as they navigate their most meaningful relationships. If you need help along the way, Bend is always here to offer specialized support to you and your family.