Is your child having trouble with impulse control? Here’s why.

It happened again: you told your child, for the forty thousandth time, NOT to turn on the television and they did it anyway. Or maybe this sounds familiar: you went to the park and they sprinted off. Again. After you clearly explained they cannot run off without a caregiver present. 

Or what about this one? You get the call from preschool that your child hit their friend because they wanted to play with the same toy. What on earth is going on?  

These moments are super common for young children because the part of their brain that exerts self-control hasn’t fully developed yet. That’s right — we’re not born with impulse control. So it’s not that your toddler is a nightmare — it’s that they simply do not know or understand that they cannot always act on their desires at any given moment. 

When self-control kicks in

Studies show that children usually begin to develop self-control when they’re around 4 years old, with significant development of impulse control occurring from ages 10 to 11. We expect a lot from our kids, but it helps to remember that they’re brains won’t be fully formed until their mid-20s! 

So when your child shoves their bowl of Cheerios off the table, they’re not necessarily misbehaving or purposefully attempting to set you off. They literally do not know better — their brains aren’t yet able to formulate thoughtful or constructive responses when challenged. 

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Examples of impulsive behavior in young children can include: 

• Damaging things, like toys
• Lying
• Taking things from others
• Emotional or physical outbursts
• Overeating
• Fighting with their friends 

6 tips for helping your child with impulse control

As parents, we often expect our kids to behave in a thoughtful and respectful way. After all, why wouldn’t they be able to understand that it is not okay for them to eat an entire bag of candy after you told them not to? Well, just because they can repeat the rules you lay out does not mean they can always follow them. 

So how can you help your child deal with their emotional impulses as best they can until they grow into them?

• Understand that being a kid is tough. Imagine if someone told you when to go to sleep, when to wake up, what to eat, what to wear, how to get into a car, and so on. Young kids need to do plenty of things they don’t want to do. But getting on their level helps lessen the blow. Try literally getting on their level, making eye contact, and sharing an empathic moment. You can say something like, “I understand, you’re really sad we can’t play with that toy right now,” or “I get it, you are so angry I won’t let you eat candy for breakfast.” This small gesture can teach your child to describe how they feel, which is one of the first steps in managing emotions and developing self-control.
  
  
• Have a plan for times of transition. Some kids have a hard time with anything new, whether that’s a switch in their schedule or a spontaneous trip to the grocery store. It’s not realistic to completely avoid transitions, and doing so will prevent them from building resilience, so begin to think of ways to help ease the transition. For example, if you know they are going to have to get to school earlier than usual, write out a schedule together, make sure they get plenty of rest, and set out their clothes and backpack the evening before.
  
  
• Start (slowly) setting expectations. Maybe it’s not realistic to expect your kid to always follow the rules at a young age, but setting expectations will help them learn about impulse control. Let’s say the rule is “do not throw your toys around the room.” Clearly and calmly explain your expectations to them, why this matters, and any consequences they can expect if they do not adhere to what has been asked. Then, when the toys go flying, stick to the boundary that you’ve set by implementing the stated consequence (like removing the toys from their room). 
  
  
• Focus on celebrating small wins. Instead of using shame, blame, or guilt to change your child’s behavior, opt for positive praise and encouragement. Did your child wait for their turn in line? Or did they share a toy with a friend? Notice when they practice self-control and heap on the praise! You can also offer small incentives or rewards. Let them know that you see what a good job they’re doing and tell them how proud of you are of their positive choices.

• Play impulse control games. Use what’s at your disposal to help teach your child about impulse control. An easy one is “red light, green light.” Teach your kiddo that when you say red, they are supposed to freeze, then when you say green, it’s go time! Another classic is playing “freeze dance” where they get to jump and dance, but must become motionless when the music stops. You can also point out moments in their favorite shows when the characters have to deal with not getting what they want or must exert self-control.
  
  
• Model it like an impulse control pro. As parents, we are our children’s greatest teachers. Take inventory of times you struggle with impulse control — Are you flying off the handle while driving? Or screaming at your phone when a frustrating work email comes through? Oh we get it! Use these opportunities to talk through your frustration with your child. Explain to them that you want to kick and scream sometimes, but instead you tap into your tools like taking a few deep breaths or stepping away from your phone to do something you enjoy. 

We know it takes tremendous amounts of patience to teach a child impulse control. Remember that some kids may naturally have an easier time than others, and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with them and there is nothing wrong with you as a parent. Remember that a Bend coach or therapist is always here to help you navigate impulse control, and any of the other tough stuff that comes up.

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