Holy tantrums! How to understand and deal with your toddler’s meltdowns

Picture this: you’re shopping in a grocery store. Your toddler is strapped into the cart. Everything is going fine…until they see a box of cereal, you had no intention of buying. The wail starts slow, then grows louder until it’s the only thing anyone can hear. 

OOOF. Suddenly, you’re at the center of a hurricane: the dreaded toddler temper tantrum. So how do you deal with it? Why do tantrums happen in the first place? And how can you prevent them from becoming a frequent occurrence? 

Why oh why does my child throw tantrums?

Tantrums happen because a young child is expressing frustration or anger. Think about it — if you couldn’t explain to someone why you wanted something done a certain way, you’d probably get upset too! As an adult, you have a certain threshold and abilities that allow you to deal with that frustration. Unfortunately, your child isn’t there yet! Knowing this won’t stop tantrums, but it’s helpful to keep in mind when you’re in the thick of it. 

Temper tantrums are super developmentally appropriate. Very young children don’t know how to regulate, process, or manage their emotions and feelings yet. So when they experience emotions, it’s with intensity! It isn’t just getting bummed out for a minute — it’s deep sorrow, or frightening terror, or sheer rage. It’s genuine and powerful… and can also be overwhelming, embarrassing, or incredibly frustrating as a parent. 

But a young child doesn’t yet know or understand that they can and will survive these emotions. That’s why young children aren’t intentionally trying to embarrass, frustrate, or anger their parents. Toddlers don’t have the means to express themselves in other ways, whereas older kids might be acting out or mimicking learned behaviors they see at home or school.

Maybe your child is limited by their language and doesn’t have the words to express their feelings. Perhaps they can’t figure out how to complete a certain task, or they just really want something they can’t have right now. This level of frustration can lead to an outburst, which is how you end up with a full-on meltdown in the cereal aisle. 

So yelling, screaming, uncontrollable crying, and so on are just signs your child has lost their ability to think clearly. Emotions have clouded everything and are typically a response to being faced with limitations in life. When you say no to that treat, or toy, or screen time, they are being faced with a limit and thus attack against that limit. Stopping the limit isn’t what helps, but helping your child live through the tantrum is. 

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How to lower the chances of a full-blown temper tantrum

It’s not realistic to think we can always prevent or stop a tantrum. Your child is going to (and needs to) express themselves in big ways sometimes. That being said, there are a few things you can do as a parent to encourage positive behavior and lower the chances your child will fly into a screaming, crying, kicking rage in public:

• Notice and praise positive behavior. Positive reinforcement can go a long way to preventing tantrums. Focus on all the times they’re well-behaved and lavish extra attention and affection on them. If they clean up their play area, give them a hug. Tell them you’re proud of them when they get their homework done or follow your directions. This kind of feedback encourages them to keep acting this way.
• Get back to basics. When your child is hungry, tired, or not feeling well, they’re more likely to throw a tantrum because they’re less likely to be able to handle those frustrating feelings at that moment. Bet you can relate. Make sure your child is getting enough to eat throughout the day, along with plenty of rest.
• Let your child make choices (when it’s appropriate). Instead of saying “no” all the time, allow your child the opportunity to make easy choices. Asking them “purple or green shirt” or “strawberries or grapes for lunch” is a great way to bolster their sense of control. Even when it’s not appropriate for them to make a decision, like when you’re grocery shopping and need to choose healthier foods for them, say, “I know you’re feeling upset right now because we need to pick some foods that you don’t like, but we still need to get foods for dinner. Would you like to help me pick out a new fruit or vegetable to try?” When it’s not appropriate — like when you’re grocery shopping and need to choose healthier foods for them — let them know that now is not a decision-making time for them, but it’s for the parents to decide because you’re taking care of them.
  
  
• Consistency is key. Having a daily routine that you adhere to lets your child know what to expect. Try and stick to this routine as much as you can. This includes preschool, nap times, snacks, dinner, play, and bedtime routines. Interrupting the routine by, say, not reading a book before bed can throw them off.
• Plan ahead. Try your best to run errands and do activities when your child is way less likely to be hungry or tired. And if you know it could be an annoying trip for them, bring a small toy or snack just in case. For example, if you have to make a run to the post office and anticipate a long line, have a little toy on hand that can keep them entertained while you wait. 

• Talk to them about changes. If you’re about to go through a transitory moment, like traveling or a new schedule, prep your child for it. Talk to them about what it’s like to get on an airplane or why they’re going to start going to sleep earlier. 

What to do when tantrums happen 

Back to the grocery store: you might be ready to kick, scream, and throw cereal boxes yourself at that moment. Remember, you’re an adult, and you can get through this. We know it’s not easy, but try to stay calm — if you respond to their tantrum with yelling or angry outbursts, your child might imitate this behavior then or later. 

• Focus on distracting them. A change of location or having a toy on hand can make a big difference. Make them laugh, or try playing a simple game like “I Spy.” Remember that when you reward your child with what they want to stop the tantrum, they’re likely to continue because your child is being taught that throwing a fit works in their favor. 

• Offer solutions or support. Let’s say you asked your child to help with chores, and now they’re throwing a fit because they don’t want to do it. Offer to help and follow up with actually helping. If you want them to clean their room, join them for a bit and show them how they can do it. You don’t need to do it all by yourself, but your actions can encourage them to follow through with the task.
  
  
• Remove them from the situation. Not all tantrums are created equal. Sometimes your child just wants to scream, and other times, they might get destructive or dangerous. When a tantrum escalates, you can leave the store, go outside, whatever you need to do. Instead of using a time-out, try a "time-in" where you bring your child closer to you. Sit with them and offer non-judgmental observations like "It looks like you're having a difficult time and are struggling with a lot of feelings all at once." Help them regulate their emotions by allowing them to feel your calmness. When they calm down, gently talk to them and validate their feelings by saying things like, "You're feeling so mad and sad right now." Remind them that it's okay to feel more than one emotion at a time. Finally, let them know that you love them and that you're there to support them through their big feelings.

Extremes like physical aggression (hitting, kicking) or bolting (say, running into the street to get away from you) need stronger action. Stop the behavior in its tracks by picking them up or removing them from the situation and getting them to a place of safety. Their safety is paramount. Once they’re calmer, you can explain why they need to follow certain rules or why they can’t have the thing they want at that moment. 

As your child matures, their self-control will likely improve, especially after age four. But if their tantrums worsen, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional, as there might be physical or psychological issues contributing to the tantrums. 

The next time you find yourself staring down your raging toddler in the cereal aisle, remember that we’ve all been there and that it does get better. We know it takes every last bit of patience to not completely lose your cool, but hopefully, these tools will help make it all less painful for everyone involved. We’re here anytime you want to pitch a fit about how hard parenting can be. You’re doing a great job.

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